Somewhere I Belong
by Mongoose Bites Yer Arse
Summary: First chap's a diary entry - betcha can't guess who. Second introduces a bit of the story line. Yaoi (m/m) so don't like, don't read. Oh, and Rinoa fans? Elements of Rinoa bashing!! Hee hee!
1. Chapter One Diary Entry 1

©Lexiter Jackson 2003

**__**

Somewhere I Belong

Wednesday 26/3/03

Diary Entry 2

Well, I'm writing to you a lot earlier then I expected. 

Here's the reason why: I Feel Like Shit.

I want to cry. Oh dear Hyne do I want to cry so damn badly it _hurts_. I'm in mental and emotional pain. All I feel is defeat and despair.

I really badly want to cut myself again, just as a release from the despair, if only for a little while. I guess I'm a little suicidal as well, but I'll never do that. 

I'll give you one damn good reason why: Seifer.

It sounds cruel that it isn't Quissy, or Zell or Rinoa etc etc, although they keep me going in their own little ways, but Seifer keeps me alive. I just love him that much.

That's why I just wanted to slap Rin so hard tonight. She made Seifer _cry_. I don't think she meant to, at least I hope she didn't, that she just wasn't thinking about what she'd said, but that's beside the point. She _hurt_ Seifer. Of course, he only cried after everyone left, but...

I wish I could hold him forever so that he wouldn't ever get hurt again.

Hyne, there I go with the lovesick crap again. I'll never get Seifer, so I may as well get over it. Trouble is, I can't get him out of my head. He's always there, watching my every move, even when he's out of my company which is rare these days.

Damn, he's straight! The only damn person of the same sex that I fall in fucking love with and he's fucking straight. 

I know I'll never _ever_ love anyone like I do Seifer. It...is just so deep.

Dammit, I sound like one of those unrequited love stories. Y'know, where the hero(ine) gets his/her boy/girl at the end, happy ever after?

Only I'm the bad guy who falls in love with the prisoner only to find that they love somebody else, and they don't know about the pain they cause.

Don't _ever _get the impression I'm angry with Seifer. No way in Hell can I be angry at him. No fucking chance. I'm mad at myself, because I can't get over him.

Y'know, I've just realised. I flirt with Seifer so badly, but it's like he doesn't realise I'm there.

Oh jeez. I just feel so _so _shit. Oh great, now I'm talking like Rin. Oh fuck, crying too? Wow, life just gets better all the time.

I just want to cut myself so damn badly. Seifer did, one time not long after he'd come back, but that didn't matter to me. What mattered to me was the fact that he'd thought he'd let me down. No Fucking Way. Not A Chance. Hyne how I just want to hold him until the tears stop. 

Lovesick fucking puppy.

Fuck. I'm swearing again. Naughty naughty. Heh, potty mouth. 

At least I can still laugh at myself, although it sounds bitter and cynical. Heh, kinda like me, then.

I want to cut myself. Do you know, that actually works? Mental pain transfers into physical pain, which fades, leaving you feeling empty which is far better then anger or despair. The feeling you get when that blade breaks the skin is one of almost satisfaction, and that is what I want.

No I don't, I want release. Release from this pain, _these pains_.

Heh, I'm starting to scare myself now. I sound suicidal, don't I? Perhaps I am. Fuck. No, I'm _not_. C'mon, there's light in this tunnel somewhere. Yeah, so I love Seifer, and I haven't a hope in Hades of getting him because he doesn't like me that way, but so what? We're still friends, and bloody good ones at that. Yeah, Rinny can be a right little bitch at times, but she's been a good friend to me since the whole Sorceress thing. It's the same with the whole Orphanage Gang.

And look at my parents, all three of them. Alright, my dad's a little...well, weird, but I can't say that he doesn't love me. And Matron...where do I start? She's just amazing.

Heh, that's Selphie talking there. I guess when I'm this depressed I don't want to hear cheerful things. So shut up, Selphie.

Oh dear. I really sound like a case, don't I? Good thing no-one will be reading this. I hope.

All my walls have gone up, even the old ones. Not just the ones I've built since Ultimicia. I still get nightmares from that.

I feel so lonely, and I don't mean like I'm the only one in the dorm. I just feel so fucking lonely and I feel like it's eating my soul up, and I'm nothing but an empty shell. I'm crying again. Me, cry? Dammit.

Damn, why do I have to be so articulate on paper? I could never tell anyone this, I'd loose the words, or I'd freak out whoever I was talking to.

I'm bottling everything up again, building a wall to hold it all. I always do. Keep it in so nobody notices how miserable I feel, so I can help others.

I guess I should really get rid of all this anger. My depression stems from anger, I know. And then I get so angry that it turns into despair.

That's the worst part. I can handle angry, because it blots out the depression and loneliness. Despair drags me down, makes me hate everyone and everything around me for no reason. Wait, I know why. It's because I'm jealous, that they'll never feel quite as bad as me.

Everyone's seen the face I put on. I laugh, I joke, I'm happy.

All false, all a damned fucking lie. I'm not fucking happy, can't you see that? No, course not. I don't _let _you see it, that's why. I'm not fucking strong enough to face the music and actually _admit_ that I've got problems just like every other human being on this Hyne-forsaken planet. That's it, man, turn all the anger to yourself. Perhaps then you won't get angry at everyone else. Then maybe you won't hurt anyone. Hah.

Why me!! Why the fuck me? Of all people, why me? Why the fuck must I suffer? No matter how many times people tell me that I'm not really alone, that others feel exactly like me, I feel so – fucking – lonely. I feel like shit.

Compliments sound like insults, or like people are pitying me when I know damn well that they're not. How can they, when they don't even know how I feel?

Do you know me, world? I mean, truely, not the face I look through? The lie I tell every time someone asks me how I am? How I want to find some hole, curl up in it and disappear?

Help me, someone, is what I'm crying every time I smile. Stop the pain, I'll scream when I laugh. Notice me, when I play the fool.

Please, stop crying, Seifer. You hurt me when you cry, but you're so beautiful.

I'm just a lost child again. A lost child in a twenty year old's body. This isn't me. It can't be. This sort of thing doesn't happen. Where the fuck is my happily ever after?

Anyway, Seifer's coming back soon. Better get the lies ready and put the face up again. Best pretend I'm alright again. I'm broken, my spirit's crushed with the weight of all this anger and despair, but hey, that's what carpets are for, hmm?

Hyne I hate myself.


	2. Chapter Two

©Lexiter Jackson 2003

**__**

Somewhere I Belong

Chapter Two

Seifer punched the code in for the door, juggling two pizzas and various other bits and pieces for the two of them. Nudging the door open, he grinned. The Commander was bent over, putting something away in his desk, and exposing his rather sexy ass to the room. Seifer placed the edibles onto the table and crept over to him.

'Don't even try it, Seifer.'

Seifer raised an eyebrow. 'How the hell did you know I was there, Leonhart?'

Squall stood and turned, placing one hand on his hip and cocking his head slightly. Raising an eyebrow, he smiled slightly.

'Because your ego precedes you.'

Seifer chuckled, dodging past Squall and setting out the food as Squall sat on the couch next to him. That's how it went, now. Things had relaxed since he'd come back to Garden to find himself already forgiven. Squall had taken him back as a best friend after the GFs took a well earned holiday and the Gang retrieved their memories.

'How was your day?' Seifer asked Squall as they ate. Squall shrugged.

'Alright, I guess. Nothing special; no missions.' Seifer looked closer at Squall. There was something there; like a catch in his voice, or the slight redness around his eyes that were closed off that suggested that there was something not quite right with the Commander. The two had fallen into a comfortable silence as they ate, allowing Seifer to think. 

Since he'd come back to Garden, he'd been happy, although there had been a while when suicide had seemed like a good idea, but somehow the stoic man known to him as Leonhart had pulled him out and dusted him off. Since then the blond had been aware of growing feelings for the Commander. That in itself rarely bothered him now, although it did at first. What did bother him was the fact that Squall would probably never return them.

Seifer shrugged mentally. There wasn't anything he could do; the brunette had made it clear that he was single and happy with it since dumping Rinoa. The thing that was nagging him though was the fact that Squall was hiding something, and it was something very big.

'I meant to ask. How was your day, Seif?'

Seifer was brought out of his reverie by Squall's voice. As always, a thrill of pleasure ran through his body at the sound of the nickname. 'Eh, so-so.' He said around a mouthful of pizza. Squall raised an eyebrow while Seifer struggled to swallow the offending item. 'Quissy gave me a ton of homework, Zell beat seven shades of excretia out of me, I got hooked into helping Selphie plan the Festival and Irvine insisted on trying to teach me how to wear a cowboy hat properly.' Seifer sighed melodramatically. '"Ya gotta wear the thing like it's got a _soul_, Seifer. That'll getcha a woman anytime, anywhere."' Seifer said in perfect imitation of Irvine's Galbadian drawl. 'On top of that, I got kicked in the shins by Fujin because I was two minutes late for lunch, Raijin caught me in the stomach with his pole and I got whined at by Rinoa.'

Squall couldn't help smiling. 'So...good day, then?'

Seifer nodded. 'Yep. Good day. You know what Rinoa was winging about this time?'

Squall shook his head. 'Nope.'

'Have a guess.'

'No.'

'Aw, c'mon, Leonhart, please?'

'No. I don't play guessing games.'

'Please?'

'No.'

'Pretty please?'

Squall sighed, rolling his eyes. 'No. Just tell me, Seif.'

Seifer looked at him with big green eyes, his bottom lip quivering and his eyes filling up with tears.

'Oh no. Not the eyes. Oh come on Seifer, please not the eyes.'

Seifer sniffled pathetically. 'Pwetty pwetty pwease wiv a chewwy on top?'

Squall took one look at him and couldn't stifle a laugh. 'Oh alright.'

As soon as Squall had said that, Seifer smiled and was back to normal. 'Go on then. You'll never get it.'

Squall raised an eyebrow. 'The Garden was too hot.'

'Nope.'

'Too cold?'

'Nuh-uh.'

'More like a conservetry then a Garden?'

'Way out, Leonhart.'

Squall sighed. 'Alright then, I give up. What was it this time?'

Seifer grinned. 'The fact that nobody will wait on her hand and foot.'

Squall grinned back. 'I know. If she wants to be a studnt or a resident here, then she's got to do the same as us. When in Esther...'

'Do as the Estherites!' Seifer finished, florishing a piece of pizza in the air.

Squall nodded, finishing his pizza off. 

Seifer raised an eyebrow, feeling a slight tightness in the back of his skull. 'The door's gonna ring.'

Squall looked up at his friend, then at the door, then back at his friend who was slowly counting at the back of his head.

__

Four, five...

'Hey, Squall!'

__

There we go.

Squall winced at the sound of Rinoa's voice. 'We're not in!' he mouthed to Seifer, who nodded.

'Squall, I know you're in there.' Sound of tapping feet. Seifer did an exaggerated impression of Rinoa's pout, and Squall tried desperatly not to laugh. 'Oh Squally! I need to talk to you! Please come out.'

Seifer did an obscene gesture and pointed at the door, then at Squall, who couldn't help but laugh silently, shaking his head. 'And is Seifer in there? I want to see him too.' Squall held up three fingers and then did the same gesture as Seifer had moments ago. Seifer snorted, then covered his mouth over. 'I guess you really aren't in. Oh well.' 

The two waited till the footsteps had died away before bursting out into breathless laughter.

'That has made my day.' Squall gasped. 'You are cruel.' 

Seifer wiped a tear away, holding his side. 'I know, but it's funny to make fun of the rich and famous!'

Squall shook his head. 'Then make fun of yourself! You're rich and famous.'

Seifer shook his head, wagging a finger at Squall. '_In_famous, Leonhart. There's a very big difference.'

Squall picked up his drink. 'S'pose you're right.' Raising it up, he made a toast. 'To making fun of Rinoa far into the future.'

'Amen.' Seifer grinned as they touched glasses. Looked like he'd cheered Squall up if nothing else...

_ _ _ _

__

Hey, the first part of the story! Has anyone guessed who the diary entry is yet? Hee hee.

I forgot the disclaimer in the last one, but here it is: Don't own 'em, wanna own 'em, don't have no money so NO SUE!!!!!

Oh yeah, sorry about not updating any stories or posting new ones for so long – my disk drive packed up on me and I've only just got a replacement. Ner!

Next part is another diary entry, again it's anonymous. Merf!!

Review! Or no more updates. Do remember this is yaoi, although it has a lot of possible yaoi pairings...I'll do my best to keep you guessing till the end. Oh, and Rinoa fans? Be warned. Lots of Rinoa bashing. Heh heh heh....

~Lj~


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